plan for actually, finally taking charge and breaking out of the self-destructive cycle*

(*snappy title, i know!)

so. i just chatted to a friend about what i wrote about last night.  and about the new years' resolutions i made in january - whether i'd actually stuck to them or not.  we concluded that i had managed some (definitely done more photography and more writing, spent more time with friends, and learnt some stuff), a few i've sort of worked on (i'm a bit better at rationalising and actually believing my rationalising of my negative self-speak. a bit.), and some have just been a total fail (getting more sleep...going out less...erm, yeah, right).

so, following on from my ground-breaking realisation that i actually need to take some action to stop this pretty blatantly destructive pattern of self-imposed sleep depravation, and all of the emotional issues that seem to be, if not resultant, at least somehow related to it, we came up with a bit of an action plan - three specific goals that i'll be putting into practice starting from tonight.

unfortunately, i've forgotten what one of them is... did i mention that memory was something i struggle with?!

anyways, the plan (as far as i can recall) is as follows:

1) sleep - aim for getting to bed by midnight, and absolute latest 1am - at least 6 hours' sleep a night - will include not staying online beyond 10pm... (obviously, except for tonight)

2) investigate and apply methods to address mood swings and anxiety:

• keep a 'food, mood and sleep' diary - my memory is questionable at best, so having something to refer to will hopefully help to see if there are any patterns linking these three things
• get a health check (blood tests etc) - my friend mentioned that this is always a good idea, as changes in mood and also messed up sleeping patterns can have thier roots in something physical. hopefully not in this case, though.
• investigate counselling, and actually get a referral - i mean, really actually do this. i have no problem with going for counselling per se - i want to become a counsellor, it'd be pretty weird if i had a problem with it.  my only worry is finding someone who i trust to understand me - i would have a real problem both opening up and allowing myself to be helped by someone who i don't feel gets where i'm coming from

3) this is the one i've forgotten (z, help me out!).  it may have been linked to working on overcoming the negative voice in my head that peppers my interactions with unhelpful and irrational self-talk.  using the methods often suggested (ie testing the reality of those thoughts, considering alternative explanations, and thinking of alternatives), combined with improved sleep patterns, i'm hoping my moods will be more stable, and so i'll be better equipped to challenge my own negative thinking.

oh yes - and then there were the day notes - but that is for another post, i think.

right, it's getting late, so i'd best be off.  i'm feeling hopeful, at the moment, like i can actually make this happen. the day started off a bit emotionally fraught, but has improved since i got to scotland.

just before i go, i want to shout out to some friends who have been mega awesome and supportive today - you all know who you are - i appreciate you huge amounts.

and now, to sleep.